Goodbye My Friend: The Cost of Grief
Alyse and I on a Pittsburgh bridge while she attended Duquesne University. The most gorgeous hair, well the most gorgeous period.
First documented photo: Gibsonia Goodwill dressing room
I met Alyse in January of 2004. It was the middle of the school year, she had moved into a house one street down from me and we were riding the school bus. I asked if she wanted to sit together, the rest was history.
When I went to visit her for the last time in December 2023, we talked about how we met. She mentioned how we might not be friends if I hadn’t offered to sit with her, that she was introverted, and I think about that a lot now.
I do not remember her being introverted. I remember her being insanely smart, incredibly funny, a gifted speaker and listener, a loyal friend, a beautiful soul inside and out.
Finding the words to describe what Alyse meant to me has been a challenge, mostly because it forces me to reckon with a world where she is no longer alive. I also worry if I don’t put some of this into words I won’t remember all the wonderful times we had. Mom brain is already a STRUGGLE.
So because I’m ME. I made a list :) My favorite memories of Alyse include:
Our mutual love for thrifting.
Our first photos together were trying on ridiculous things at the Gibsonia Goodwill.
She planned a thrifting tour for my bachelorette party in Chicago.
Our mutual love for Chicago
We went there for our senior trip in high school. Museums, shopping, restaurants and dressing up to walk that Golden Mile. High tea of course.
We went there for my bachelorette party in June 2019. Shopping, eating, Britney Spears dance party, hookah bar, impromptu fashion show with random objects around the house. She planned it all, and it was glorious.
Our mutual obsession with cats
Besides each owning multiple cats, cat themed items, and absolutely losing our minds every time we SAW a cat…we discussed my first tattoo being a cat in her honor <3
Nerding out about history - Ancient Rome and Ancient Greece SPECIFICALLY.
Her 1999 Fern Green Pontiac Sunfire
Drives to and from school
Drives on the back roads of PA
Getting ABSOLUTELY LOST in downtown Pittsburgh…multiple times.
Driving the wrong way at the Cranberry exit on the turnpike trying to get home. We drove to Ohio one day TWICE. We then created Harrisburg for Home, but it does not work for every exit lol.
Singing the Garden State soundtrack
Her green thumb
I visited her apartment in DC once and she had a whole garden in pots on her fire escape.
Her and John had a BEAUTIFUL garden at their home too. I can’t remember which plant it was, but something took over the one year she swore to never plant again…beans maybe?
Her hatred for pants
I’ll explain. Multiple times while shopping and getting ready over the years I heard Alyse talking about her hatred for things touching her ankles. She didn’t like the feeling, it was constrictive. Skinny jeans were our worst nightmare to start. I think that hatred did ebb over time, but we did love ourselves skirts and dresses.
Her attention to detail
For our senior prom we bought dresses from the Cache at Ross Park Mall (circa 2006) Alyse wore a GORGEOUS black beaded dress and wanted green emerald earrings like Evangeline Lily wore in this photo. We searched for weeks to find earrings that fit the criteria, but alas found nada. So in true Alyse form, she made her own.
Jewelry in general was important to Alyse. She had a very specific taste, style and tolerance to certain metals. But I vividly remember:
the sailboat and anchor necklaces we bought on one of our first beach vacations together.
The pearl drop earrings she bought me as one of my maid of honor gifts.
The wing shaped earrings I bought her as a gift for being my maid of honor.
My baby shower for Mila was May 20th 2023. It was the last time I saw Alyse in good health. She came up early to help me prep for the tea party/flower themed shower. I bought these flower paper poofs to hang as decor and Alyse was in charge of getting them “poofed.” Turns out, they were much more difficult to handle than we realized and Alyse was cursing at them for being a “pain in the a** to POOF!!” Despite hating them, they were perfect by the time she was through. They are still hanging proudly in Mila’s room.
Her sense of humor
She had an incredible gift for gift giving, and humorous gifts in particular. When Jackson was born in March of 2021 she sent me a gift box with a onesie that said “they did not stay 6 feet apart,” an FBI bib (Mila wears it now), and a keychain that says “I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.”
Squirrels - if we spotted one we screamed SQUIRREL. No matter what. And then we laughed about it.
Her laugh was the absolute best. I can still hear it. I hope it stays that way.
Her iconic style
We had to come up with volunteer hours for high school, so in true nerd fashion we went to the Heinz History Center. It was some of the best times. We would dress up a lot. I think that is why I love dressing up for everything.
When we got jobs in high school we worked together at CiCi’s pizza, (hahahaha) but eventually I went to TJ Maxx and Alyse worked at Aldo. Our shoe obsession got worse, and to be honest, never improved. I always looked to her to see what we would be wearing out (to the mall or to the South Side) to literally just walk around.
I went wedding dress shopping with Alyse and her mom in November of 2016. We had a blast going to different shops in DC. We even met someone from Say Yes to the Dress! I have all the pictures in SnapChat still. Alyse looked gorgeous in everything, but by the time I left we still hadn’t found the one. Later, she did find a dress with her mom, but knew her mom was talented enough to make it. Hearing her mom talk about the weekends they got together for fittings to make her wedding dress makes me hopeful that I can share in a similar experience with Mila one day (though it doesn’t have to be a wedding dress).
Our love for high tea and hats
For Mother’s Day in high school Alyse and I wanted to do a full high tea service. We made little sandwiches and decorated, dressed up OF COURSE.
My first visit to Alyse in Virginia (her family moved after high school) we went to DC. We did some sightseeing with Alyse was my guide, some shopping, and had high tea.
We did not travel much together, but did travel in other cities. One of my favorite activities in any city I visit is a high tea service.
For my wedding I themed it garden party and encouraged hat wearing. I also themed Mila’s baby shower as a tea service. I know I will think of her every time.
Probably laughing about a squirrel on one of the beach vacations
Hating pants on our senior trip to Chicago
Silliness at senior prom, you can kind of see the earrings.
My sadness has been overwhelming. The crying comes in waves. Some days are harder/easier than others. Since the memorial on January 27th, things have felt more final, but also more hopeful. I’m able to talk about Alyse and talk in general without completely losing it. However, I know that the pain will be fresh and raw for some time and honestly, may never go away completely. I really really miss my friend.
Homecoming senior year of high school maybe?
New Years Eve in college
There are financial realities you have to deal with when a loved one passes. Funeral arrangements, will and final wishes, remaining debts and/or assets. There is no easy way to manage it all, and it is even more difficult compounded with the grief. Everyone grieves differently. My grief has been taking a particularly heavy toll on my wallet. I shopped to distract myself, to cope with the sadness. It was the most out of control I’ve ever felt and ever been. When I finally stopped to survey the damage I was sick to my stomach at how careless I had been.
Fun times getting lost in the Pontiac Sunfire
Senior Dinner Dance on Gateway Clipper
I talked to Matt, my family, my friends, my therapist. I knew what I needed to do, but I had ZERO impulse control. None of my tips or tricks from teaching or counseling were working. NOTHING WAS STOPPING ME. I was sad, and I was sad shopping.
Alyse and my cat love Murray.
And then I talked to Alyse in one of my dreams the other night. She lectured me (in her best friend way) about my spending, about things I already know, but needed to hear. I woke up and realized I had to make a change, and I couldn’t let my grief get the best of me. Alyse wouldn’t want that.
So we are starting fresh again. I saw a post from @the.brokegeneration about joining her February Wardrobe Freeze challenge, but of course missed the deadline. So I’m joining in spirit/accepting the challenge!
FEBRUARY WARDROBE FREEZE
For the month of February I will not purchase any clothing, shoes, accessories for myself. Not even thrifted.
If you want to join too, LET’S GO! The more the merrier. Let’s focus on what we already have, save that money and take back control.
To help, I’ve created the following game: Stop. Drop. Roll. A game for Impulsive Peeps as I call it. Where all you need is a die (6 sided or more) and a list of activities that can replace the behavior. See my example here:
STOP: Recognize the destructive behavior or action taking place. I actually say to myself “Stop” if I catch myself trying to shop.
DROP: Physically stop yourself or remove yourself from the situation. In my case, I put down my phone and walk away OR get out the dice.
ROLL: Roll a die or you can use a digital one like this. The numbers should correspond to the list of alternative activities.
I’ve also included this blank one if you want to fill in your own.
Hopefully my game will keep me out of trouble. So far so good! But honestly, I feel motivated to do this for Alyse too. She was always a great sounding board for my ideas and great with money herself. For as long as I knew her she was incredibly independent. I know she is cheering me on.
LET’S DO THIS!
How do you manage your grief? Any other sad shoppers out there? Feel free to leave tips in the comments :)
