Normalize Talking About Money
Have you ever heard the phrase “We don’t talk about money”?
What about “It’s not polite to talk about money”?
Why DON’T we talk about money? WHO told us we shouldn’t? WHY are we listening to them?
Between teaching and counseling I have talked to hundreds of people about money. We usually start with their first experiences or feelings about money, and the MAJORITY of people realize that the subject just WASN’T TALKED ABOUT. So I follow up with, why? A few common themes popped up, but number one? Shame.
Shame can appear in various ways. It can make us afraid to pull up that bank statement, check our account balance, or even our mail. Shame can keep us from asking for help, having tough (but necessary) conversations, or taking action.
I hear statements like:
“I can’t afford to pay it anyway, what’s the point?”
“Talking about money just ends in a fight”
“I don’t want to look, it makes me sick.”
Although these may be true statements, avoiding the problem does not make it go away. In the case of finances, avoidance can actually lead to far more serious consequences.
It can feel embarrassing to not be in the same place (especially financially) as others. It can feel stressful to not have enough coming in to pay bills, or cover basic necessities. It can feel shameful to not be able to control impulses when it comes to spending. I felt ashamed this month when I broke another spending challenge. But we’re human and we can always try to do better.
We are uncomfortable with money because it is a reflection of our choices. Taking control of our finances forces us to face our daily choices with money. And we don’t always understand our choices, let alone other’s choices. But we don’t need to be ashamed. No one is perfect with money.
Don’t let shame keep you from your financial wellness journey, especially because every person’s journey is going to be unique. It’s never “too late”, you’re not “dumb”, or “not good with money.” You just have to take the first step by talking about money. Here are what I like to call “Money LINGO” tips to get you started feeling more comfy with your money:
Just LOOK. Open the mail, pull up the bank activity in your app, gather ALL. THE. THINGS. I know it is scary. But if you don’t know where you are currently you won’t know where you need to get to. You may want a friend to help, you may not. But DO IT.
Make a LIST. If you know me, you knew this was coming. I love a good list. We are making a list of:
Money coming IN (paychecks, cash, venmo, benefits - if you can spend it, it’s INCOME)
Money going OUT (bills that do not change, bills that change, one time bills, misc. - if you are spending it, it’s an EXPENSE).
Be honest with yourself, if you know you spend money on it (ANY TIME OF YEAR - here’s looking at you PA car registration), write it down.
LOVE your “money date”. A lot of people write down their budget (surprise! that is step number two, I just didn’t specifically call it that :) lol) and never revisit it again. That is how a budget will NOT work. Set a “money date” at least once a month to sit down and review ALL THE THINGS again. Make it fun (as fun as you can)!
Limit distractions/set the mood - I like candles and music
Get yourself a snack - food helps the crying
Get COMFY - if you’re not in sweatpants you’re not doing this right
Give yourself an hour to go through what you brought in, what went out, and what you want to do next.
**If you share finances it is probably a good idea for them to be involved too, but don’t force it.
LISTEN and LEARN what works for you. Shame and fear can keep us from addressing financial concerns and lead them to become more serious issues. It is important to be aware of your financial situation, habits, and needs, in addition to having open communication with those you share finances with. Avoiding talking about money can make it much worse. Write down a list of talking points in advance or practice the convo with a trusted friend first if you think you will get flustered.
It may be uncomfortable at first, because creating new habits always is. However if we do not take steps to maintain our finances, someone else will. Think of this as the first important step in getting to know your financial self better. Regardless of where you are at RIGHT NOW, start today.
AND The next time someone tells you “we don’t talk about money” - ask them why?!
Why is it shameful to talk about how much we make or how we make it?
Why do others care about what we spend it on or how much?
Be kind to others andyourself. Everyone is going to spend their money in different ways. We don’t have to agree, we just need to be kind. We are all just doing our best out here. AND STUFF IS SO EXPENSIVE.
Repeat after me: I am enough. I have enough. And gosh darn it, I can’t afford it! :)
